Starve the Taco

Gym class slaughters the kiddies

2009-08-04T18:29:00.000-07:00

Apparently schools are experiencing an increase in injuries from gym. From 1997 to 2007, injuries have increased by 150% according to USNews.com. Hilarious.

There is something magical about gym class. The strong kids picking on the weak. The complete lack of individual attention as gym teachers unleash a horde of children onto a gym floor or field with virtually no direction. Forcing the geeky kids to do pull-ups in front of the girls. The fact that some kids would be far more popular if alternatives were made available, like martial arts, makes me warm inside because even if schools had the funding, it’d be thrown into programs to make those kids look even more awkward. Teachers are the first to admit kids learn differently. They’re also the last to do anything about it. Since gym teachers are basically the lowest form of teachers, I’m not about to worry they’re going to reinvent gym class on their own.

The more awkward, humiliating, and triumph free school is, the more likely those blasted kids won’t step out of line when they step into the real world. Honestly, when was the last time the biography of a great leader started “he was a the least popular kid in middle school.” Leadership will always be something of a popularity contest and that takes charisma or fear. Usually both.

Strip Clubs = Dumb

2009-07-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

Strip clubs are a stupid idea. The regulars have probably had sex with several of the strippers before you’ve even got there and those same regulars are in the room with you because they're regulars! It’s like going on a first date with some sleazy chick while her ex-boyfriend tags along and he's probably carrying a knife.

Yea, I can’t think of a situation I’d rather be in more. Hello, you’re quite attractive and taking off your clothing. By the way, that man over there has asked me to tell you about the need to get checked out for gonorrhea, no need to spend any more time with me, have a five.

A strip club is like being handed a dirty magazine from a guy leaving a bathroom. Sure the magazine is probably awesome, but I don’t want to freakin’ touch it.

Peer Pressure at the SuperMarket

2009-07-05T18:20:00.000-07:00

I think I just solved America’s weight crisis.

Sure, many of you are suggesting we just take the fat people and throw them in an incinerator as a cheap fuel alternative to natural gas and coal. And I’m not disagreeing with the fact that this is an awesome idea. However! I've got another idea to supplement it, since picking up those fatties might throw your back out, I want to combine peer pressure with the supermarket.

Alright, so peer pressure is kind of already being used. Sales tell us what’s a good deal and advertising tells us which product is going to get us laid. But who’s pressuring us into feeling like a fatty for putting cookies in the cart? NO ONE!

As such, we should hire dietitians to stand at the check out line and look through people’s carts and whenever they see something they don’t like, the dietitian will totally give the shopper a disapproving glance. When there isn’t anyone checking out, the dietitian can wander the snack and soda lanes, forcing potential shoppers to keep doing laps until the dietitian leaves so the shopper can sneak in and pick up some chips. Think of all the exercise they'll get!

Basically, let’s make buying junk food a lot more like buying condoms. The next pimpled faced teenager that comes to the checkout line looking to score a sugar high, lets make sure they know we know what they’re up to.

Where are the Squirrel Bones?

2009-02-18T17:29:00.000-08:00

Where are all the squirrel skeletons? There must be 50 squirrels in the tree outside, but I never see skeletons. Sure, I see a dead body occasionally, but never the skeletal remains. Skeletor’s face is nothing BUT bone and it seems pretty resilient, so where are all the squirrel bones?

Secondly, how come I’ve never seen a squirrel taking a dump or tons of squirrel droppings? How can a tree full of squirrels not have a pile of poop at the base?

I’m currently operating under the theory squirrels are vampires. If this is true (and it totally is because it explains EVERYTHING!), we should all be pretty terrified of those nut hoarders. Myself, I’ve started sleeping with a BB gun under my pillow should one break into my room to drink my blood.

Beware!

Rush Limbaugh

2009-02-07T14:38:00.000-08:00

Rush Limbaugh isn’t a doppelganger. We thought about replacing him, but no one could come up with a way to carry so much weight from the studio. So we decided to leave him there since he’s pretty much a doppelganger anyway.

Like any large organization, he demands conformity and although Limbaugh himself is pretty large, he represents something with an even bigger gravitational pull, the republicans. Anything outside of their organization is wrong and needs to fail. Of course the organization goes through various opinion and philosophical changes, but the need for conformity never does. In this way, the Republican Party is no different from any other political party or fan club. Only instead of a hot teenager with poor grammar posting on a message board about NiN being “tits” it’s a fat dude on the radio yelling about democrats having butt sex with terrorists.

So, the next time you think about criticizing something Mr. Limbaugh has to say, remember he represents something greater, Doppelgangers finishing off the human race.

Crushing the Individual Spirit

2009-01-24T14:25:00.000-08:00

In tough economic times like these, it’s good to remember to take a moment to watch the individuality of the human population scrapped off the corporate heel. I know I’d regret missing it!

Most people survive from day to day on hourly wages. These days, less hours are needed or paid for at least. This means more people are struggling for fewer jobs and in order to get these jobs, people are hiding anything unique about them. Sure, people say you need to find a way to make your resume stand out among thousands just like yours. But this isn’t done through anything other than admitting you’re willing to subject yourself to the worst of “go-getting.” People who stand out, they’re weird and no one wants to hire that.

The application itself is the worst. The single fact that you have to fill one out means the company you are applying for doesn’t want highly qualified individuals and yet they demand someone overqualified for the position. It’s a bit of a paradox, I know. Furthermore, these applications are 90% the same: 3-6 previous employers, 2-3 references, education, etc. The poor little unemployed have to keep filling out the same application over and over again, wasting untold hours on pointless paperwork.

The interview is my favorite though. You and someone from human resources have to dance around each other in fun little ways.

“So, what makes you the best for this job?”

You can’t say you’ll bend over backwards and despite being overqualified you’ll shallow your pride and continue to do this demeaning labor as you age and your dreams die. Nope, you have to say you’re a people person.

If only all lies could slowly crush the teller into the truth!

A Rumor About Colbert and by Rumor, I Mean Fact.

2009-01-10T19:13:00.000-08:00

As a master of conformity, it is my duty to ensure the majority does the same thing. Sure my duties are easy and my judgments are made on the fly, but OBEY!

Today, let’s try starting a rumor. For rumors are just facts waiting to happen!

In his youth, Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report played Willy in Death of a Salesman. Regrettably, Mr. Colbert forgot his lines and decided to punch Biff in the face and declared “No salesman would die today!” After this, Colbert ripped off his clothing and ran from the theatre. The audience, unaware this wasn’t part of the show, continued to wait and watch while the remaining cast had no idea what to do.

Shortly afterwards, Colbert returned with a firehouse and began dousing the audience.

No refunds were offered.

Now spread the story! Anyone who denies this event happened is a liar!

Decrees!

2009-01-08T14:30:00.000-08:00

Attention all humans, as a doppelganger I pretty much tell you what to do. Here are some decrees!

The song titled "Human" by the Killers is currently the best song ever. Why, because I demand it. All must worship this song and find deep meaning within it. It doesn’t matter what. In three months, this song will become the worst song ever and everyone then must find horrible, cliché messages within’ the song. However, calling it “the sux” will suffice.

Any clothing stores with food or animals in the name are dumb. Obey!

In other news, we doppeled the guys from Penny-Arcade! Doppelgangers are now the most influential force on the internet. All hail Queen Dopplepopolis! Everyone do what we do!

Man, the radio station can never play a bad song, weird how that works?

2008-07-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

You know what I love, radio stations. They’re amazing! Does a radio station ever play “bad music?” Erana's dusty glasses no, everything they play is instantly a hit. It’s like there is never a risk involved on the radio. Sometimes the songs stop being cool and can be made fun of, like Nickel Back. When Nickel Back was originally played, the radio thought they were so cool, which meant I loved them. Now that they are "officially" overplayed and talentless jerks, I hate those guys!

I’d like to take credit for radio stations, but I can’t. You humans did it yourself. If only doppelgangers could find a way to make everyone agree with doppelganger agenda simply because we say it over a certain medium. What makes it even more silly is everyone totally talks about how much they hate radio when they aren’t listening to it. So who is listening to the radio? Are they hiding in their closets with headphones?

Maybe we could just play doppelganger related material in all the songs. Instead of praising Jesus, praise Queen Dopplepopolis. Instead of going to the club and pouring very expensive champagne on a girl, conform! Though most mainstream hiphop artists are already doppelgangers. Man, this might be harder than I thought.

2007-06-28T00:24:00.002-07:00

So, as the Doppelganger for MaximumTacolord I guess I have to find some sort of Doppel equivalent to Jenni, Original Taco’s muse and off/on love interest. That or start dating her myself. I called up Doppel Jenni, but her answering machine was kind of creepy. Apparently she runs this lesbian organization bent on the eradication of high heels. I didn’t really grasp the meaning behind her efforts, something about squirrels talking too fast so she needed a faster shoe to keep up. I hung up before the tone, the message was going for over 45 seconds before I gave up. Come on people, just state your name and let the beep do its job!

I thought about calling normal Jenni, but I remember Taco saying something about her never picking up her phone. Besides my hands seemed to be getting sweaty and I didn’t want to wash that stuff off the receiver. I figured I’d try to find what Taco wrote about her lately, since he always has a poem in the works on her. I found the material questionable, what kind of guy writes about a woman’s tampons? Honestly people? Maybe the most effective doppel taco would be a single one, or one without "taco" in his name. The dude even wrote about her organs, the sexual ones. What a pervert.

I need a cold shower, I’ll cya around.

Doppel Taco

2007-06-28T00:24:00.001-07:00

Queen Doppel-poppolis has been like, I don’t know. Grumpy.

She assigned me to Earth to begin eradicating the Tacolord network and establish it as our own Doppel Taco network. I said it seems kind of counterproductive if we tell everyone we’re doppelgangers. I mean, aren’t we trying to replace them without them knowing it or something? But she called me unpatriotic and now I can’t swear over the phone because these guys are listening to my calls. Just as well, at least I always have someone on the line to talk to even if they don’t respond. And isn’t that kind of reassuring in a way? Why are we trying to take over this guy’s network anyway? The Tacolord may be an interesting guy but… he’s not Oprah. There’s a chick I’d like to Doppel if you know what I mean. Growl…

Pubs

2007-06-28T00:18:00.004-07:00

I don’t see the fascination in regularly updating a blog. This thing is nothing more than a scripted diary, filtered for a public being assimilated at an ever increasing rate. But I got a call from the Tacolord, suggesting I do it more. What once started as a hobby, a mere aid to my writing skills in developing a better voice from a single character’s perspective now feels like work. Just like he who I seek to doppel, I dislike forced labor.

Since the herd seems to demand it. What could be more public than my pubic hairs? Both words share a similar geometric structure after all. With summer coming around and a new batch of classes offering the possibilities of a few cute girls sitting in what is otherwise a bacon and sausage cooking marathon that is a state college, pubic hairs are very important. Why? Simply because when having sex, it’s best to not occupy a free hand with holding back that river of curls that is the wang’s wig. Free hands are better suited for grabbing things that aren’t attached to your own person.

But what’s the deal with cut pubs? They look like dead bugs, all curled up and motionless, aside from a twitch or two from the wind of an open window or ceiling fan. I don’t know if other people have this happen to them or if my carpet is naturally a little curlier than most. But it’s kind of disturbing, seeing those little fibers decaying and distorted in some sort of mass hair grave. Another go below the torso may be necessary; the sides don’t appear completely even. Some may suggest getting a wax, but something about asking some Asian lady to yank all the hairs away to unveil what I want her to ride seems a little counterproductive. Maybe I should find one of those new age salons that charge way more, but I think the result would be the same with any reasonably attractive woman. I don’t think I could stand the alternative, another guy, either. I’m pretty secure with my sexuality, but I feel a little too exposed. Weakness shown will give him power. Girth created may give him undesired signals. Bleeding may create an awkward moment with a touching of tourniquet to my junk. I could do it myself but, I don’t know. I think I’d rather trust something like that to a professional. I already punish my genitals enough the way it is.

Pubic hairs, what a strangely complicated little world they create over a much larger one. And by large, I mean huge. Nah, I’ll stay with large. It seems more accurate and I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to overcompensate.

Doppel Blogs

2007-06-28T00:18:00.003-07:00

Blogs are awesome doppelganger tools. Yup, you guessed it; I’m revealing another doppel secret to the world! Let’s take a detour first. Over the years, literacy rates have skyrocketed! Seriously, back in the day being able to read wasn’t just a luxury; it was a path to wisdom or just a reason to act better than everyone. Stuck up and wise people are hard to doppelgang, because they’re always doing stuff that makes them unique. Even if it’s being a total prick. Often the doppelganger of a prick is a pretty cool guy by human standards. So it’s hard for the doppel to act that way. However, your average everyday Joe or Beth is a lot easier to doppelgang, all the doppelganger has to do is not act up. Since most doppelgangers are Buddhist, this is pretty easy. Buddhism is about doing nothing!

Doppel-society had two objectives, destroy the originality of reading and prevent readers from becoming original people. The first objective was easy, get everyone to read. It’s only cool until it becomes trendy, at this point the cool people move on. The second problem was a little harder, how do we get people not to read the great works of man (Nietzsche, Jesus, Buddha, and Aristotle) despite having all ability to do so? Or if they do read them, not care. Simple, make them hate reading. To do this, we modified the training program of our teachers. Teachers used to just read to the class, there weren’t enough books. So we increased production and gave all the students dozens of them (while hiding a few good ones inside) and told them to write a report on it. This had mixed results. Because creative individuals would write amazing papers. We witnessed the very creation of beauty through our efforts. The kind of stuff that would make bitter old stoics cry. This shit had to stop, so we put a format on book reports. The rules were pretty simple actually: show no humanity, emotion, or style throughout the entire paper and you pass. Show any of that stuff that may be considered “art” and you’ll fail. Any would-be poets or philosophers may complain, but the complaints of the great were littered in the complaints of the lazy and average. This basically drowned them out, because they weren't about to do anything about it. The average never rebel, why do you think rebels are always getting killed?

So what does the blog do? Consider for a moment the content of blogs. Great poems, philosophical queries, struggles in art are rarely seen in them. It’s usually some clique gabbing or a webmaster trying to build press for his or her site. People aren’t just reading now, they’re writing and the stuff is horrible! Making the great works of man even harder to find. Sure, some great bloggers are probably out there, but I haven’t seen them and I’d wager most of you haven’t either.

Cloning

2007-06-28T00:17:00.001-07:00

As a doppelganger, I have mixed feelings about clones (most negative). Are clones “doppelgangers” of the biological source? Current clones seem more like children than doppelgangers. What about a clone of a doppelganger, that’s just crazy! A doppel-doppelganger? We don’t really have children, the exchange of biological juices to create growth tends to offend us. If you ask me, conceiving is more like an infection than anything. Also, what the hell? Why did nature decide to divide the conditions for life from one or two bisexed animals to two single sexed ones? I guess it’d limit genetic variation and the need to seek mates. Everyone like that would end up dieing off should something kill one of them. It must have been awkward for the first creatures with just sperms or eggs. All confused if you’re straight or gay because it depends on whatever sex your partner decides to be.

I wonder what would happen if the world started embracing cloning, it’d be annoying having to make the same doppelganger for so many people from the same pool of characteristics, but probably a lot easier as well. The evolutionary impact seems potentially harmful, even for doppel society. If husbandry has taught us anything, for every benefit it’ll have for our population; it’ll bring unseen horrors. Mad cow disease, the flu, small pox, probably chicken pox (It has chicken in the name!), the plague, and great deities know what else have been the byproducts of domestication of animals. So what will cloning do to us?

Even human domestication (through society and culture) is showing side effects. Casing the spread of disease, psychological disorders, and who knows what else. If history has taught us anything, you can’t trust a single thing historians say. Subjective individuals reading over subjective notes written by someone who probably wants to be seen in a certain light. Yea, that’s a creditable source if I’ve ever seen one. So how are we supposed track humanity’s disorders?

Imagine the impact of domestication on clones? The same company (if current legal agenda is any hint for the future, big business will control all cloning) raising the same group of children in what they feel to be the best manner possible (cheaply). It’ll create a single mind and genetic set that will have almost no adaptable qualities.

I can’t wait until we finish off the rest of humanity, before they end up doing it to themselves and putting us at risk. You guys are freakin’ nuts. Going ta end up breeding a bunch of fools with no food holes. How are we going to feed doppelgangers with no food holes?

Taylor Mali

2007-06-28T00:16:00.001-07:00

Mali is an excellent example of supporting Doppelganger interests. You should check out his site, www.taylormali.com, since it furthers my interests as well. The guy is a poet, a pretty good one at that and a former teacher. He had a dream of creating 1000 teachers. It isn’t going as well as he hoped, as it is the final year of his dream’s deadline and he’s only got around 100 teachers. But I wouldn't mock him for it yet, there is still time and the guy is somewhat famous, he may still do it. Even if he doesn’t, he’s furthered the number of teachers and increased their prestige a great deal.

“Wait Doppel-Taco, how does Mali further doppel interests?” a voice from the back says. I’ll tell you, although all teachers aren’t doppelgangers, they’ve all been trained by doppelganger agenda. You see, education isn’t about improving an individual's life. It’s about making them think the same as others and never questioning the world. Sure, students may go to rallies more than most people, but have you ever seen a student rally in person? Odds are, probably not. Seriously, go into a classroom, any classroom and just sit there. How many times will a student actually speak out against the topic, almost never! If one does, bam, out of the class. But how often do they ask about that topic, even if they consider it to be the evil of evils, not that much. It’s great, students are so afraid of not seeming confirming enough, they’re actually afraid to ask questions about confirming!

This is why I love teachers, they discipline students while calling themselves the greatest and highest source of authority in all the world. Most of them haven’t even seen the world outside a school’s walls, but they’re the ones telling everyone about it! Best of all, students believe it! Oh man, and here is Mali, trying to give us more support. Awesome. Simply awesome. Obedience is so much easier to Doppel than a free spirit. Because everyone is too concerned with conforming to really pay attention to a doppelganger "conforming" as well.

“Why would a doppelganger brag about this, aren’t you afraid we’ll try to stop you?” the voice calls out again.

Nope.

My Space

2007-06-28T00:15:00.000-07:00

MaximumTacolord created a myspace account after seeing askaninja doing it, figuring it’d be a nice way to build some press for his website. He was also pissed off someone took his tacolord name and wanted to keep his MTL one safe. This trend has been increasing a lot lately, somehow tacolord is getting famous enough just to get people to leech off him, not make him famous. No doubt he’s getting pretty frustrated by it all. After he created "his space," he realized he had no idea what to do with it. So I decided to investigate the matter, since I was equally ignorant on the subject. After about 20 minutes of research, here is my assessment:

Myspace is basically a chat program with no desire to chat. Rather, you talk about yourself with blogs, photos, videos, etc. Since everyone is chatting with themselves, something must be done to create a feeling of satisfaction. A means to show the world you haven’t wasted the last month of your life talking about how you wasted the last month of your life. This is done with the buddy list, in myspace terms, “Friends.” Usually a buddy list is a mass of names you never talk to, because only two or three people from it are actually acquaintances. This remains true, only everyone can see this “hive.” Askaninja has nearly 10,000 friends, despite askaninja putting nothing on the myspace besides content from his webpage. I’m fairly confident askaninja doesn’t even look at his own myspace. Below the “content” of an individual’s myspace, you can post comments. This is kind of like a forum, only everyone talks about either themselves or the owner of this space. Like most forums, English is a bastard language no one cares about, I doubt anyone actually reads these comments. If reading them is even possible.

What is myspace? In short, just one person talking about themselves while trying to get others to recognize this. In order to do so, they acknowledge others talking about themselves. Only the truly great spaces are those with no give and only take. Of course, those individuals usually gave a lot more overall and use myspace as a means of publicity. Basically, myspace is masturbating for a crowd. But no matter how great the crowd, you're just whacking off.