Apparently schools are experiencing an increase in injuries from gym. From 1997 to 2007, injuries have increased by 150% according to USNews.com. Hilarious.
There is something magical about gym class. The strong kids picking on the weak. The complete lack of individual attention as gym teachers unleash a horde of children onto a gym floor or field with virtually no direction. Forcing the geeky kids to do pull-ups in front of the girls. The fact that some kids would be far more popular if alternatives were made available, like martial arts, makes me warm inside because even if schools had the funding, it’d be thrown into programs to make those kids look even more awkward. Teachers are the first to admit kids learn differently. They’re also the last to do anything about it. Since gym teachers are basically the lowest form of teachers, I’m not about to worry they’re going to reinvent gym class on their own.
The more awkward, humiliating, and triumph free school is, the more likely those blasted kids won’t step out of line when they step into the real world. Honestly, when was the last time the biography of a great leader started “he was a the least popular kid in middle school.” Leadership will always be something of a popularity contest and that takes charisma or fear. Usually both.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Strip Clubs = Dumb
Strip clubs are a stupid idea. The regulars have probably had sex with several of the strippers before you’ve even got there and those same regulars are in the room with you because they're regulars! It’s like going on a first date with some sleazy chick while her ex-boyfriend tags along and he's probably carrying a knife.
Yea, I can’t think of a situation I’d rather be in more. Hello, you’re quite attractive and taking off your clothing. By the way, that man over there has asked me to tell you about the need to get checked out for gonorrhea, no need to spend any more time with me, have a five.
A strip club is like being handed a dirty magazine from a guy leaving a bathroom. Sure the magazine is probably awesome, but I don’t want to freakin’ touch it.
Yea, I can’t think of a situation I’d rather be in more. Hello, you’re quite attractive and taking off your clothing. By the way, that man over there has asked me to tell you about the need to get checked out for gonorrhea, no need to spend any more time with me, have a five.
A strip club is like being handed a dirty magazine from a guy leaving a bathroom. Sure the magazine is probably awesome, but I don’t want to freakin’ touch it.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Peer Pressure at the SuperMarket
I think I just solved America’s weight crisis.
Sure, many of you are suggesting we just take the fat people and throw them in an incinerator as a cheap fuel alternative to natural gas and coal. And I’m not disagreeing with the fact that this is an awesome idea. However! I've got another idea to supplement it, since picking up those fatties might throw your back out, I want to combine peer pressure with the supermarket.
Alright, so peer pressure is kind of already being used. Sales tell us what’s a good deal and advertising tells us which product is going to get us laid. But who’s pressuring us into feeling like a fatty for putting cookies in the cart? NO ONE!
As such, we should hire dietitians to stand at the check out line and look through people’s carts and whenever they see something they don’t like, the dietitian will totally give the shopper a disapproving glance. When there isn’t anyone checking out, the dietitian can wander the snack and soda lanes, forcing potential shoppers to keep doing laps until the dietitian leaves so the shopper can sneak in and pick up some chips. Think of all the exercise they'll get!
Basically, let’s make buying junk food a lot more like buying condoms. The next pimpled faced teenager that comes to the checkout line looking to score a sugar high, lets make sure they know we know what they’re up to.
Sure, many of you are suggesting we just take the fat people and throw them in an incinerator as a cheap fuel alternative to natural gas and coal. And I’m not disagreeing with the fact that this is an awesome idea. However! I've got another idea to supplement it, since picking up those fatties might throw your back out, I want to combine peer pressure with the supermarket.
Alright, so peer pressure is kind of already being used. Sales tell us what’s a good deal and advertising tells us which product is going to get us laid. But who’s pressuring us into feeling like a fatty for putting cookies in the cart? NO ONE!
As such, we should hire dietitians to stand at the check out line and look through people’s carts and whenever they see something they don’t like, the dietitian will totally give the shopper a disapproving glance. When there isn’t anyone checking out, the dietitian can wander the snack and soda lanes, forcing potential shoppers to keep doing laps until the dietitian leaves so the shopper can sneak in and pick up some chips. Think of all the exercise they'll get!
Basically, let’s make buying junk food a lot more like buying condoms. The next pimpled faced teenager that comes to the checkout line looking to score a sugar high, lets make sure they know we know what they’re up to.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Where are the Squirrel Bones?
Where are all the squirrel skeletons? There must be 50 squirrels in the tree outside, but I never see skeletons. Sure, I see a dead body occasionally, but never the skeletal remains. Skeletor’s face is nothing BUT bone and it seems pretty resilient, so where are all the squirrel bones?
Secondly, how come I’ve never seen a squirrel taking a dump or tons of squirrel droppings? How can a tree full of squirrels not have a pile of poop at the base?
I’m currently operating under the theory squirrels are vampires. If this is true (and it totally is because it explains EVERYTHING!), we should all be pretty terrified of those nut hoarders. Myself, I’ve started sleeping with a BB gun under my pillow should one break into my room to drink my blood.
Beware!
Secondly, how come I’ve never seen a squirrel taking a dump or tons of squirrel droppings? How can a tree full of squirrels not have a pile of poop at the base?
I’m currently operating under the theory squirrels are vampires. If this is true (and it totally is because it explains EVERYTHING!), we should all be pretty terrified of those nut hoarders. Myself, I’ve started sleeping with a BB gun under my pillow should one break into my room to drink my blood.
Beware!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Rush Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh isn’t a doppelganger. We thought about replacing him, but no one could come up with a way to carry so much weight from the studio. So we decided to leave him there since he’s pretty much a doppelganger anyway.
Like any large organization, he demands conformity and although Limbaugh himself is pretty large, he represents something with an even bigger gravitational pull, the republicans. Anything outside of their organization is wrong and needs to fail. Of course the organization goes through various opinion and philosophical changes, but the need for conformity never does. In this way, the Republican Party is no different from any other political party or fan club. Only instead of a hot teenager with poor grammar posting on a message board about NiN being “tits” it’s a fat dude on the radio yelling about democrats having butt sex with terrorists.
So, the next time you think about criticizing something Mr. Limbaugh has to say, remember he represents something greater, Doppelgangers finishing off the human race.
Like any large organization, he demands conformity and although Limbaugh himself is pretty large, he represents something with an even bigger gravitational pull, the republicans. Anything outside of their organization is wrong and needs to fail. Of course the organization goes through various opinion and philosophical changes, but the need for conformity never does. In this way, the Republican Party is no different from any other political party or fan club. Only instead of a hot teenager with poor grammar posting on a message board about NiN being “tits” it’s a fat dude on the radio yelling about democrats having butt sex with terrorists.
So, the next time you think about criticizing something Mr. Limbaugh has to say, remember he represents something greater, Doppelgangers finishing off the human race.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Crushing the Individual Spirit
In tough economic times like these, it’s good to remember to take a moment to watch the individuality of the human population scrapped off the corporate heel. I know I’d regret missing it!
Most people survive from day to day on hourly wages. These days, less hours are needed or paid for at least. This means more people are struggling for fewer jobs and in order to get these jobs, people are hiding anything unique about them. Sure, people say you need to find a way to make your resume stand out among thousands just like yours. But this isn’t done through anything other than admitting you’re willing to subject yourself to the worst of “go-getting.” People who stand out, they’re weird and no one wants to hire that.
The application itself is the worst. The single fact that you have to fill one out means the company you are applying for doesn’t want highly qualified individuals and yet they demand someone overqualified for the position. It’s a bit of a paradox, I know. Furthermore, these applications are 90% the same: 3-6 previous employers, 2-3 references, education, etc. The poor little unemployed have to keep filling out the same application over and over again, wasting untold hours on pointless paperwork.
The interview is my favorite though. You and someone from human resources have to dance around each other in fun little ways.
“So, what makes you the best for this job?”
You can’t say you’ll bend over backwards and despite being overqualified you’ll shallow your pride and continue to do this demeaning labor as you age and your dreams die. Nope, you have to say you’re a people person.
If only all lies could slowly crush the teller into the truth!
Most people survive from day to day on hourly wages. These days, less hours are needed or paid for at least. This means more people are struggling for fewer jobs and in order to get these jobs, people are hiding anything unique about them. Sure, people say you need to find a way to make your resume stand out among thousands just like yours. But this isn’t done through anything other than admitting you’re willing to subject yourself to the worst of “go-getting.” People who stand out, they’re weird and no one wants to hire that.
The application itself is the worst. The single fact that you have to fill one out means the company you are applying for doesn’t want highly qualified individuals and yet they demand someone overqualified for the position. It’s a bit of a paradox, I know. Furthermore, these applications are 90% the same: 3-6 previous employers, 2-3 references, education, etc. The poor little unemployed have to keep filling out the same application over and over again, wasting untold hours on pointless paperwork.
The interview is my favorite though. You and someone from human resources have to dance around each other in fun little ways.
“So, what makes you the best for this job?”
You can’t say you’ll bend over backwards and despite being overqualified you’ll shallow your pride and continue to do this demeaning labor as you age and your dreams die. Nope, you have to say you’re a people person.
If only all lies could slowly crush the teller into the truth!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
A Rumor About Colbert and by Rumor, I Mean Fact.
As a master of conformity, it is my duty to ensure the majority does the same thing. Sure my duties are easy and my judgments are made on the fly, but OBEY!
Today, let’s try starting a rumor. For rumors are just facts waiting to happen!
In his youth, Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report played Willy in Death of a Salesman. Regrettably, Mr. Colbert forgot his lines and decided to punch Biff in the face and declared “No salesman would die today!” After this, Colbert ripped off his clothing and ran from the theatre. The audience, unaware this wasn’t part of the show, continued to wait and watch while the remaining cast had no idea what to do.
Shortly afterwards, Colbert returned with a firehouse and began dousing the audience.
No refunds were offered.
Now spread the story! Anyone who denies this event happened is a liar!
Today, let’s try starting a rumor. For rumors are just facts waiting to happen!
In his youth, Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report played Willy in Death of a Salesman. Regrettably, Mr. Colbert forgot his lines and decided to punch Biff in the face and declared “No salesman would die today!” After this, Colbert ripped off his clothing and ran from the theatre. The audience, unaware this wasn’t part of the show, continued to wait and watch while the remaining cast had no idea what to do.
Shortly afterwards, Colbert returned with a firehouse and began dousing the audience.
No refunds were offered.
Now spread the story! Anyone who denies this event happened is a liar!
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